end of may

5.28.13

may day has come and gone. it's tuesday, may 28th. less than 4 weeks left on my contract here in Chico/Paradise. hoping to extend another 13-weeks. been a little down lately. not sure why. feels like such an uphill battle to be who i want to be and accomplish it all. need to start living for the now and enjoy the process. want to be healthier in all ways. lose weight, exercise more, be adventurous, not be lonely, read more, create more, write more, complete my "things to do",  save money, pay off bills, plan  vacations...ahhhhh! i need to find my motivation. i don't feel centered. i feel like something is missing. i don't feel connected to my soul. i feel like i'm losing faith, not in myself so much but in my journey. I don't know what i really want or where or why. My family wants me to return home to live. i still feel somewhat trapped if i were to go back. i wish i could go to travel in Oregon. or San Diego. I enjoy the inexpensive lifestyle here in Nor Cal. maybe even near Sacramento.

Danielle just turned 16 yesterday. where did time fly? Kaila's 6th bday is coming up. I miss having friends around and especially family. I like my co-workers yet, i'm still a hermit at heart. spend most of my weekends and weeknights at home just lounging with the tv or computer. i find myself always just making the "good enough" grade and not really passionately putting my heart and soul into anything. i wanna be free and be fearless. i want to feel like this is the best day of my life. i want to laugh so hard and feel so loved that i know i made a positive impact in someone's life. I've heard that in the past, it was believed that the 20's were the peak and best times of one's life. but lately, i heard 20s are about discovering who you are and 30's are about feeling comfortable in your own skin and being empowered by it. i find that true. here i am in my late twenties, no where near i though i would be if you had asked me 5 or 10 years ago. i thought i would be settled with a family and much more sure about who i am. not so insecure and uncertain about myself. i just keep on falling back into bad habits and a cycle of this crap because i guess the ROOT of the cause is not being addressed. i feel much better and that a weight and burden has been lifted off my shoulders when i confronted my mom about being gay and being accepted. i still have much more issues to address, but that is one of my main burdens. i still have personal issues. i still have qualms about re-connecting with my biological mom, not to start and build a close relationship but to have questions answered and to hear her side of the story. only time will tell, eh?

4.7.13 April Showers

4.7.13

April Showers

April is here! Well, last Sunday (Easter) mom called me and we had quite the conversation. She voiced her stand on that one’s view on a controversial subject like gay rights should be kept only to the person. She said that the public is not accepting of it and so I shouldn’t be posting my support for it on any public forum. I was at first taken aback and then frustrated/angry/hurt all at the same time. So I became silent and the phone call ended not too long after. We didn’t talk until yesterday when she called to apologize for being offending my beliefs. I ended up writing a long letter to her over the next few days and put lots of hours and tears into about my coming out and how it’s like to live as a gay person. How hard it is and how I constantly struggle with it. It’s not something I accepted overnight and have no shame in. That night we had that disagreement, I cried in frustration and hurt. It stayed on my mind for a few days and it really helped to write it out. I haven’t been able to send her the letter because I don’t have internet here yet. I did go to rent-a-center after work on Friday to rent a couch set, TV and TV stand. It’ll be delivered on Thursday afternoon. I still have to call Comcast for internet and cable. Well, lately I was trying to eat healthier and incorporate a more vegetarian diet and these past few days I have fallen off the wagon. I did get my period on Friday, but still! I wanted to cut down on my meat intake, dairy intake, pasta/rice intake, and processed sweets. I wanted to increase my veggie and fruits, whole grains, and fish intake into my diet. And of course do cardio and strengthening activities. I need to do a whole month or at least a couple weeks straight of eating clean so I can see if it make a difference in my mood, skin, and energy levels. MOTIVATION is what I need. I can’t believe I’ll be 28 on Friday. I really don’t feel that age. More like 24 or 25. Right now I’m listening to One Republic’s new album ‘Native’ on repeat and repeat. Love it!

El is flying into Sacramento on Thursday night and so she’ll be here to celebrate my birthday weekend and I worked today so I could get the weekend off. Not exactly sure what our agenda is this weekend, but to enjoy, relax, and have fun. I don’t want to be running around like how we spent her birthday weekend in the Bay. Although, it was a blast! We just did a whole lot. I really wanted to go to a pro-women’s soccer game, but the closest team is in Portland. Still debating if I should go. I still have to book my flight to Vegas in early May for Cyn’s graduation. And I’m supposed to be saving money! I keep losing focus and spend money on things I want at the moment.

I’m making friends with a few co-workers like Nataly and Lisa. Nataly is a COTA and is a traveler like me. She travels with her husband and dogs. I saw her yorkie puppy and she is soooo cute. Nataly is young, only 23. Lisa is a OTR from Iowa and we went out to lunch one day. Very friendly and opinionated. So far, I’m the closest to them and Laura, a PTA traveler. A bunch of them leave in 4 weeks though and then more travelers will probably take their place. I need to get out of my funk and go explore this town and push myself to put myself out there to make friends. I feel introverted at times and rather be alone and do nothing. And then at times, that so isn’t me. I confuse myself sometimes…ha.

Peace out. 

3.30.13 Between Good Friday and Easter Sunday

3/30/13

“Between Good Friday and Easter Sunday”

Hey there. It’s been a while since I’ve written, busy life with busy thoughts. So by now, I have left Fallon. Drove back to Vegas and spent a week there. And now I am in Chico, California. I just finished my first week at LifeHouse in Paradise, Cali. I just re-read the last post and saw that I didn’t even get this job yet when I wrote it. And it was 4 weeks ago. A LOT has happened in those four weeks.

I finished my contract in Fallon. Cleaned up my apartment and turned the keys in on Friday, 3/15. I worked overtime the whole week so I could leave at noon on Friday to drive back to Vegas that day. Eric bought pizza for my farewell lunch and Justina bought Starbucks as usual. I hit the road about 1:30pm and made it to Vegas before 7 pm, about 380 miles. I only stopped off once in Tonopah to fill up gas. I knew by then that I had accepted this job so I had a week to do all my errands and re-pack my stuff. Too bad I couldn’t just keep the same clothing, since Fallon winters are much colder than Chico’s spring/summer. I did keep my “kitchen” things without having to unpack that bag. The next morning I went to the DMV to change over my license to Nevada. Made an appointment at Walgreen’s for a physical exam. And then that night Cyn and I went to a Maroon 5, Owl City, and Neon Trees concert at Mandalay Bay. The parking lot was crazy to find and to find parking. We got lucky though…thanks Wanda! The concert was pretty awesome!! The next day was St. Patrick’s day and Cyn/Staci’s friend, Jess from LA, was in town and so we went to eat dim sum and do some shopping. They were going to a club party that night on the strip. That week I got my eyes checked out at Lenscrafters and bought new glasses, took a drug test, watch Danni win the Biggest Loser, car wash, car serviced at sin city auto, got my yearly physical, helped Cynthia make Easter pinata cookies and lemon meringue by scratch, wrote an essay type resume for the VA, took my fingerprints at the VA, last dinner in vegas with staci at ramen sora, and packed up all my belongings. Headed out from Vegas to Chico early Saturday morning, about 4:30am. It took over 9 ½ hours, about 650 miles. Such a looooong drive. I love my apartment complex though, its pretty brand new. The gym is nice, the apt is spacious, and close to the freeway. It takes about ½ hour to get to work in Paradise, but the traffic is not bad. I haven’t had a full schedule yet, and they weren’t even expecting me on Monday. There are a lot of travelers there and I guess the caseload is a bit slow as well. I have been trying to be better at exploring the town and love, love, love the greenery here. Especially in Paradise. My heart just feels more “at home” and comforted by being here in California. Vegas is just so desolate looking with desert and dirt. It rains here, and the scenery is so lush. 7 hour drive to Portland. A few hours to Tahoe or Bay area. I even saw that they have an Amtrak train that goes from LA to Seattle. It takes 36 hours though. I just wish that the airport were closer since Sac airport is about an hour and a half away.

Continuing from yesterday…Happy Easter. I was planning on seeing the wildflowers at Tabletop Mountain but the weather was quite gloomy earlier. I went grocery shopping at Winco, picked up wine from Trader Joe’s and then got take-out at Happy Garden Chinese Restaurant. Since I’ve been drinking, I don’t think I’ll drive anywhere. Maybe just head over to the gym later and do laundry. Got only a couple of things on my “to-do” list which feels good to not have a million tasks on my list. These past couple of days, I was trying to see if I can up my veggie intake and lower my meat intake. So I bought a bunch of veggies and no meat. I’ll only meat if I go out to eat, if that. We’ll see how that goes. My mind is a bit scattered… so I’ll write more later when I can focus more!

Easter blessings.

3.2.13 March Madness

3.2.13

March Madness

Heya, well its officially march. Its been a while since I last wrote. I guess I have been getting settled in and into the swing of things. Instead of march 6^th being my last day, we agreed to extend my contract until the 15^th. I will drive back to vegas the next early morning so Cyn and I are able to go to the Maroon 5 concert that night. I didn’t tell her yet, but I bought the tickets last year in October. It’s going to be her early birthday present. Last weekend I drove to Reno and finally got to go to a mall. It was nice to be back in diversity and “a city life.” Walked around the mall and then bought sweat pants from JC Penny. Hung out at Barnes and Noble, bought an awesome book A Thousand Splendid Suns and had some Starbucks. Went to Best Buy for a portable Verizon wifi/mifi connector thingy. I bought $60 worth of wifi and within a day, I apparently already used up over 75%!! So thought I could use the internet more, but for that much money…nope. Work had been alright, happy to have a job and the patients and staff have been nice. I asked mom if they wanted to fly up to Vegas for my birthday since Cyn will be flying back home for the majority of April. She said they’ll think about it. Mom said she was thinking about a family Disneyland trip in the early summer. So we’ll see what pans out. I just interviewed yesterday after work with a facility in Paradise, California which is in Nor Cal. It would only give me a week in Vegas to get everything done. Part of me wishes that I could take a couple weeks break to breathe and hang out in Vegas doing per diem jobs. Another part of me is scared to not have another position lined up because I don’t ever want to be unemployed and broke again. I need to focus on saving and paying off my debts. Trying to keep in mind that I will probably move back home sometime. My dream would be to live in Hawaii part of the year and here in the mainland. That would be an ideal life. Spend holidays with family and friends, but also have the opportunities and experiences that are only here. And then you can always switch it up by spending the holidays up here somewhere new. It just gets hard traveling all over with finding an apartment, unpack and settle in, and then have to pack up and deal with the inspections after only a few months. It would be a nice change to have a stable and permanent place to come home to everyday. I feel like as of now that Vegas is my home. But if I choose to do another travel assignment then I’m back to packing things up again. I don’t even know what Cyn’s plans are from here on out. She’s finished with her externship at the end of the month. Her graduation is in early May and then her plans are unknown. All I really have is my bed. Not sure how I would move it since my car is so small and that’s really all I would want to bring. Since it was pretty cheap, I would probably just leave it there or let Cyn give it away. I sometimes think of my apartment studio in Makiki. I had not much, but it was my own home. It was comfy and enough for me. Lanai, parking spot, pool, secured building, only a couple neighbors, and a short walk to work. Family was only a 15-minute drive away. I do miss that. Can’t believe its been almost a year since I moved to Vegas. My whole life from being stable now has become nothing short of adventurous. Vegas, San Jose, Sacramento, Modesto, Sonoma, Monterey and Carmel, Boston, Cape Cod, San Francisco, Torrance, Tahoe, Fallon, and Reno. Places I’ve visited or stayed in. Of course, Hawaii as well. I wonder if it would be possible to live a life in Hawaii and a life here in the mainland. Not the easiest or simple. Living in the mainland would probably tend to be cheaper. I could buy a condo or small home to stay in when I’m here. Keep a cheap car in the garage to get around. Buying a place in Hawaii would be more costly. Would have to be an apartment or a home that was on the West side of Oahu. If I were wealthy and had money to spend, I would buy a place in Hawaii and on the mainland. It might be nice to live outside of town, but that drive would be horrendous. Def not because of the distance, but the crazy traffic. Like my patient, Charlie, would say, “where there’s a will, there’s a way!” That would be a lot of hard work, but how would it work with my job. It’s not like I can just pack up and say that I’ll be back in a couple months. If I were a writer I could do it because then I could write wherever. I can spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family. And then maybe New Years in Hawaii or on the West Coast. I still haven’t been to Oregon or Washington and I think I would like it there. It does get cold though. Maybe San Diego is a nice compromise of weather: sun, cold, beaches, and food. I always thought that I’d enjoy the cold weather and I do, just not for long periods of time. Maybe if we kept our apartment warmer it wouldn’t be such a drag to go out in the cold.

So anyways, I have 10 more days of work and 14 days left in Fallon. If I didn’t extend, it would only be 3 more days of work. Crazy fast. I do think it was really worth it to stay an extra week and a half for $1500 more in my bank account. I paid $400 for rent for March 1 to 16. Not bad. I have $700 for my deposit, they need to take out my utilities for the 5 weeks and the cleaning costs. So I’m expecting about $400 to $500 to be returned. I still need to return a grand that el let me borrow and I owe Cyn $300 for the July concert tickets and for my portion of the utilities in Vegas. And I need to pay rent for March and April. Gosh, I feel like I have so many bills. I really need to cut down my payments for my car insurance. And then I pay for my medical. And my school loan. Life as an adult…why the heck did I want to grow up when I had it so good as a child?! Haha. I do think that even though its hard, I prefer life as an adult. =)

2.16.13 saturday sunshine

2.16.13

Saturday Sunshine (kind of…)

G’morning from fallon! Last night, I pretty much went to lay down in my makeshift bed within 2 or 3 hours of coming home from work. I cooked and ate my special dinner of ramen noodles with already-made curry and laid down listening to music for the next couple hours and then drifted off to sleep. I awoke about 7-ish and went back to sleep another hour. Woke up, got ready, and went to Safeway’s Starbucks for a grande vanilla latte and blueberry scone. Headed over to Walmart to do some grocery shopping on a $50 budget, but spent $5 over. I got fruits, vegetables, eggs, pasta, brown rice, chicken, and soup. Hopefully, it will last me for the majority of the next 18 days that I am here. I also picked up a 4-movie DVD and an ice scraper for the cold weather approaching next week. My car windshield always has frost on it every morning when I drive to work and it’s supposed to snow again on Tuesday. It was 18 degrees the other day when I drove to work, brrrr. Well, work is getting better in that I am becoming more familiar with the patients, facility, and documentation. On Valentine’s Day, Justina (PT) bought us all Starbucks coffee mugs with candy inside. She even bought coffee for all of us on Friday. We are the same age and she’s from Reno and commutes everyday from there. I have 13 more days of work here and then I get to head back to Vegas. When I leave here I will probably be just starting to get used to the small town living lifestyle. Jarrett had his surgery on Thursday (Valentine’s Day) at Queen’s MC and Dr. Kan said that he had a small labral tear and so they repaired it. Last night was UH’s season opener against Oregon at the Les. This is the last year that the baseball team will be known as the Rainbows, the new AD announced that all mens teams will be known as Warriors. It’s kind of sad that the baseball team, which has been known as the Bows, will change.

Today’s temp is supposed to get “warm” in the high 50’s and so I really want to enjoy it, but have no idea where to go or what to do here. There isn’t much to do that I know about. I will probably head over to McD later on today to catch up on my internet and media info. I was going to rent another couple of Redbox DVDs but since I bought the Nicholas Sparks’ 4-DVD movie set, I think I’ll just watch that. I really want to see the movies, “Celeste and Jesse Forever” and “Perks of Being a Wallflower.” I keep on thinking about all the things that I want to purchase when I get a steady income or at least get paid. Let’s see… I want to get a new pair of glasses, buy a few music albums (Bruno Mars, Macklemore, and a few new songs), new pair of Gap jeans (since my fave ones ripped), new nose jewelry, blender/juicer, Keurig… The hard part is balancing my goal of saving money to pay off debts and to save enough for a down payment on a home. I was also thinking about when would be a good time to return home or if I even want to set roots at home. I was trying to make sure that I return home for the holidays this year since I missed last year. I also want to watch as many of Jarrett’s games next year as possible. I want to be there to watch Kaila and Matty grow up. But at times when I think about living at home, it makes me feel trapped and missing out on bigger events. At the same time, thinking of home makes me feel warmth, comfort, and familiarity. It would be perfect if I could split my time between Hawaii and the West Coast. That would be my ideal lifestyle. Spend a few weeks at home for the holidays and then visit another few weeks during spring or summer. I wish it were easy to get contract travel assignments at home, that would be awesome to work a 13-week assignment and get to see family and friends at the same time. I feel so busy trying to plan my life… or trying to schedule my finances according to events and the timeline I personally am optimistically hoping to reach. In 2015, when I turn 30, I really really want to go the Women’s World Cup in Canada. I wanted to hopefully start a family around age 29-31 years of age. So should I give myself two more years to save money and work hard up here in the mainland to pay off my debts (credit card and school loan) and save enough for options for a down payment on a home? I would also want to save enough for the World Cup travel expenses. This summer there’s a family reunion at Disneyland. I would like to go to that too. I originally was planning to return home late next year, but maybe I should plan to push it back another year. Matty will then be three and Kaila will be eight. I can’t believe that Mom will be 50 and dad will be 60 years old this year. Marcus turned 30, Jarrett turned 21, and Matty turned 1. Only Kaila and I don’t have really special birthday years this year. I really hope that I can accomplish my goal of paying off my school loans, credit card bills, and have enough to put down a down payment somewhere. Maybe I can buy a cheap home in Vegas or Cali and also Hawaii. Haha.

2.11.13 frustrated in fallon

2/11/13

frustrated in fallon

hey! Well, today was my first day in fallon at work at highland manor and… it was a bit overwhelming. First, I walked into work at 7:58 and then was introduced to the staff and began my first patient at 8. Yes, I was treating a patient within two minutes of stepping foot into the PT gym. There is a PT (Eric) and a PTA (Bobbi) along with a outpatient PT (Justina). And then me. I had a full caseload of 7 patients with 429 minutes. I also had to do training with the corporate office to learn how to use their documentation and billing system, which also took up my time. I was at work for 9 hours. I didn’t even get a schedule until I was a patient into it when I asked what her tx minutes were. I also had to write two assistant progress notes on patients I had just met. Talk about being a bit overwhelmed on my first day. It was a super cold morning and good thing I live so close to work. I got there in about five minutes because I was behind a large truck. I only took about a half hour lunch as well since I don’t really have a computer to myself to do billing/documentation on. I was only able to read through my instagram and half of my twitter feed! Haha. I really enjoyed some of the patients as they usually are the best part of work anyways. I had a couple tough patients, but overall it wasn’t so bad. They do have a lot of machines that the patients use almost like a regular gym. These machines are pretty state of the art and high tech. they play the TV on during the day which they have three flat screen huge TVs. It’s the only TV I’ll be able to watch anyways. I don’t usually watch a lot of TV but I do like it to relax. I’ll faithfully watch a few shows a week, but I did really miss having a TV last night when the Grammy’s were on. I live for the Grammy’s and other music award shows, but especially the Grammys because of all the live performances. Kelly won one and the band Fun also won, along with Adele. I missed so many performances and I can’t wait to watch the full program of it. I can’t believe that I don’t even have internet access or a TV or even cellular service as of this moment. If something were to happen, I wouldn’t be able to even call anybody, text, or send an email. This town is very frustrating! I would have to drive over to McD’s to access internet. Well, I did sit outside the facility today when I finished work and checked Facebook, Twitter, and my email in the cold night air. And then when I got too cold and hungry, I drove home and walked into my cigarette smelling apartment. I just keep telling myself that I am doing it for the money. I am broke and need the paycheck so I need to suck it up for 18 work days, well now 17, and get paid! Today’s experience also had me thinking that I might want to find a permanent job and stop traveling because it does take its toll on you. Having to learn a new system, new staff, new procedures, new nurses, a new facility is quite a lot. And having to do it every few months. Yes, the pay is well and you continue to venture into different and exciting places, for the most part, but you have to pick up and move. If I could find a place in vegas as a traveler or perm, it would be a hard offer to refuse since I have a friend and apartment. I thought it would be fun and different to go to a place where you don’t know anybody and settle down. The reality of it is not quite what I imagined. I miss knowing somebody. It wasn’t so bad in Turlock because there were two other travelers and the staff was really friendly and a bit younger. Here in Fallon, the staff is more middle aged although there are a few younger staff, but they have families. Although I would probably never hang out with the staff in Pahrump due to them having families, they are nice and friendly people. I know its premature since I just started, but I miss the past staff members I have worked with in Pahrump, Turlock, and especially Hale Nani. A day like today makes me want to move back home, or go back to a facility I went to. But, like they say, you only have regrets for the things you didn’t do and so I guess it IS a learning experience that I came out to live here in Fallon. I can say now that I either do or do not enjoy living here. I really thought a small town feel would be something that I would enjoy, but I miss a bit of the city life.  The familiarity of being home is so comforting, but gets boring and stagnant after a while. Life in Vegas is fun, cheap, and exciting. It’s just the job market that is poor and since it’s a popular travel destination near where we live the people aren’t always the nicest. I’m sure if we lived in a suburb not so near to the strip, we would find more peaceful drivers and less homelessness. After today I am also considering living in California as it is more populated with Asians. Its hard to be somewhere that you can’t express your culture with others or partake in it. Yes, there are Chinese restaurants wherever you go, but the quality is not the same. Like here, I bet the one Chinese restaurant I saw caters to the white population with their dishes. At least Pahrump had a decent Japanese restaurant just like Turlock did as well. I just wonder though, if I take a permanent position somewhere, what happens if I don’t really get along with the staff. I ‘m sure I’ll pretty much get along with them, but I would also like to hang out with them outside of work as I don’t have family or friends in the area. Taking on a permanent position does bring stability and so forth, but you’re locked in for at least a year. I know that I just need to take it day by day and then slowly figure out my options and go from there. But thank you for letting me vent out to you my frustrations and thoughts that my rambling head never ceases to stop. I would call to talk to somebody if I could, but oh, no service! Aahhhhh. You know what, I am now very appreciative of all the times I had cellular service. Or internet. Or wifi. Or a TV. Along with having a job and money. So this whole experience is just a lesson learned. And for that I know I have to be grateful. It’s just not favorable.

“The sun will rise….” and “everything happens for a reason…”