2.16.13 saturday sunshine

2.16.13

Saturday Sunshine (kind of…)

G’morning from fallon! Last night, I pretty much went to lay down in my makeshift bed within 2 or 3 hours of coming home from work. I cooked and ate my special dinner of ramen noodles with already-made curry and laid down listening to music for the next couple hours and then drifted off to sleep. I awoke about 7-ish and went back to sleep another hour. Woke up, got ready, and went to Safeway’s Starbucks for a grande vanilla latte and blueberry scone. Headed over to Walmart to do some grocery shopping on a $50 budget, but spent $5 over. I got fruits, vegetables, eggs, pasta, brown rice, chicken, and soup. Hopefully, it will last me for the majority of the next 18 days that I am here. I also picked up a 4-movie DVD and an ice scraper for the cold weather approaching next week. My car windshield always has frost on it every morning when I drive to work and it’s supposed to snow again on Tuesday. It was 18 degrees the other day when I drove to work, brrrr. Well, work is getting better in that I am becoming more familiar with the patients, facility, and documentation. On Valentine’s Day, Justina (PT) bought us all Starbucks coffee mugs with candy inside. She even bought coffee for all of us on Friday. We are the same age and she’s from Reno and commutes everyday from there. I have 13 more days of work here and then I get to head back to Vegas. When I leave here I will probably be just starting to get used to the small town living lifestyle. Jarrett had his surgery on Thursday (Valentine’s Day) at Queen’s MC and Dr. Kan said that he had a small labral tear and so they repaired it. Last night was UH’s season opener against Oregon at the Les. This is the last year that the baseball team will be known as the Rainbows, the new AD announced that all mens teams will be known as Warriors. It’s kind of sad that the baseball team, which has been known as the Bows, will change.

Today’s temp is supposed to get “warm” in the high 50’s and so I really want to enjoy it, but have no idea where to go or what to do here. There isn’t much to do that I know about. I will probably head over to McD later on today to catch up on my internet and media info. I was going to rent another couple of Redbox DVDs but since I bought the Nicholas Sparks’ 4-DVD movie set, I think I’ll just watch that. I really want to see the movies, “Celeste and Jesse Forever” and “Perks of Being a Wallflower.” I keep on thinking about all the things that I want to purchase when I get a steady income or at least get paid. Let’s see… I want to get a new pair of glasses, buy a few music albums (Bruno Mars, Macklemore, and a few new songs), new pair of Gap jeans (since my fave ones ripped), new nose jewelry, blender/juicer, Keurig… The hard part is balancing my goal of saving money to pay off debts and to save enough for a down payment on a home. I was also thinking about when would be a good time to return home or if I even want to set roots at home. I was trying to make sure that I return home for the holidays this year since I missed last year. I also want to watch as many of Jarrett’s games next year as possible. I want to be there to watch Kaila and Matty grow up. But at times when I think about living at home, it makes me feel trapped and missing out on bigger events. At the same time, thinking of home makes me feel warmth, comfort, and familiarity. It would be perfect if I could split my time between Hawaii and the West Coast. That would be my ideal lifestyle. Spend a few weeks at home for the holidays and then visit another few weeks during spring or summer. I wish it were easy to get contract travel assignments at home, that would be awesome to work a 13-week assignment and get to see family and friends at the same time. I feel so busy trying to plan my life… or trying to schedule my finances according to events and the timeline I personally am optimistically hoping to reach. In 2015, when I turn 30, I really really want to go the Women’s World Cup in Canada. I wanted to hopefully start a family around age 29-31 years of age. So should I give myself two more years to save money and work hard up here in the mainland to pay off my debts (credit card and school loan) and save enough for options for a down payment on a home? I would also want to save enough for the World Cup travel expenses. This summer there’s a family reunion at Disneyland. I would like to go to that too. I originally was planning to return home late next year, but maybe I should plan to push it back another year. Matty will then be three and Kaila will be eight. I can’t believe that Mom will be 50 and dad will be 60 years old this year. Marcus turned 30, Jarrett turned 21, and Matty turned 1. Only Kaila and I don’t have really special birthday years this year. I really hope that I can accomplish my goal of paying off my school loans, credit card bills, and have enough to put down a down payment somewhere. Maybe I can buy a cheap home in Vegas or Cali and also Hawaii. Haha.

2.11.13 frustrated in fallon

2/11/13

frustrated in fallon

hey! Well, today was my first day in fallon at work at highland manor and… it was a bit overwhelming. First, I walked into work at 7:58 and then was introduced to the staff and began my first patient at 8. Yes, I was treating a patient within two minutes of stepping foot into the PT gym. There is a PT (Eric) and a PTA (Bobbi) along with a outpatient PT (Justina). And then me. I had a full caseload of 7 patients with 429 minutes. I also had to do training with the corporate office to learn how to use their documentation and billing system, which also took up my time. I was at work for 9 hours. I didn’t even get a schedule until I was a patient into it when I asked what her tx minutes were. I also had to write two assistant progress notes on patients I had just met. Talk about being a bit overwhelmed on my first day. It was a super cold morning and good thing I live so close to work. I got there in about five minutes because I was behind a large truck. I only took about a half hour lunch as well since I don’t really have a computer to myself to do billing/documentation on. I was only able to read through my instagram and half of my twitter feed! Haha. I really enjoyed some of the patients as they usually are the best part of work anyways. I had a couple tough patients, but overall it wasn’t so bad. They do have a lot of machines that the patients use almost like a regular gym. These machines are pretty state of the art and high tech. they play the TV on during the day which they have three flat screen huge TVs. It’s the only TV I’ll be able to watch anyways. I don’t usually watch a lot of TV but I do like it to relax. I’ll faithfully watch a few shows a week, but I did really miss having a TV last night when the Grammy’s were on. I live for the Grammy’s and other music award shows, but especially the Grammys because of all the live performances. Kelly won one and the band Fun also won, along with Adele. I missed so many performances and I can’t wait to watch the full program of it. I can’t believe that I don’t even have internet access or a TV or even cellular service as of this moment. If something were to happen, I wouldn’t be able to even call anybody, text, or send an email. This town is very frustrating! I would have to drive over to McD’s to access internet. Well, I did sit outside the facility today when I finished work and checked Facebook, Twitter, and my email in the cold night air. And then when I got too cold and hungry, I drove home and walked into my cigarette smelling apartment. I just keep telling myself that I am doing it for the money. I am broke and need the paycheck so I need to suck it up for 18 work days, well now 17, and get paid! Today’s experience also had me thinking that I might want to find a permanent job and stop traveling because it does take its toll on you. Having to learn a new system, new staff, new procedures, new nurses, a new facility is quite a lot. And having to do it every few months. Yes, the pay is well and you continue to venture into different and exciting places, for the most part, but you have to pick up and move. If I could find a place in vegas as a traveler or perm, it would be a hard offer to refuse since I have a friend and apartment. I thought it would be fun and different to go to a place where you don’t know anybody and settle down. The reality of it is not quite what I imagined. I miss knowing somebody. It wasn’t so bad in Turlock because there were two other travelers and the staff was really friendly and a bit younger. Here in Fallon, the staff is more middle aged although there are a few younger staff, but they have families. Although I would probably never hang out with the staff in Pahrump due to them having families, they are nice and friendly people. I know its premature since I just started, but I miss the past staff members I have worked with in Pahrump, Turlock, and especially Hale Nani. A day like today makes me want to move back home, or go back to a facility I went to. But, like they say, you only have regrets for the things you didn’t do and so I guess it IS a learning experience that I came out to live here in Fallon. I can say now that I either do or do not enjoy living here. I really thought a small town feel would be something that I would enjoy, but I miss a bit of the city life.  The familiarity of being home is so comforting, but gets boring and stagnant after a while. Life in Vegas is fun, cheap, and exciting. It’s just the job market that is poor and since it’s a popular travel destination near where we live the people aren’t always the nicest. I’m sure if we lived in a suburb not so near to the strip, we would find more peaceful drivers and less homelessness. After today I am also considering living in California as it is more populated with Asians. Its hard to be somewhere that you can’t express your culture with others or partake in it. Yes, there are Chinese restaurants wherever you go, but the quality is not the same. Like here, I bet the one Chinese restaurant I saw caters to the white population with their dishes. At least Pahrump had a decent Japanese restaurant just like Turlock did as well. I just wonder though, if I take a permanent position somewhere, what happens if I don’t really get along with the staff. I ‘m sure I’ll pretty much get along with them, but I would also like to hang out with them outside of work as I don’t have family or friends in the area. Taking on a permanent position does bring stability and so forth, but you’re locked in for at least a year. I know that I just need to take it day by day and then slowly figure out my options and go from there. But thank you for letting me vent out to you my frustrations and thoughts that my rambling head never ceases to stop. I would call to talk to somebody if I could, but oh, no service! Aahhhhh. You know what, I am now very appreciative of all the times I had cellular service. Or internet. Or wifi. Or a TV. Along with having a job and money. So this whole experience is just a lesson learned. And for that I know I have to be grateful. It’s just not favorable.

“The sun will rise….” and “everything happens for a reason…”

fallon nights

2/8/13

Fallon Nights

It’s Friday night and here I am alone in Fallon. Woke up at 3:40 this morning and headed out from vegas under the dark skies. Encountered snow and very chilly winds, but gladly made it here safe. Will be here for 30 days and will try to make the best of it all. Feeling a bit philosophical and doing a lot of thinking. Found out on Tuesday that my 4 month assignment here in fallon changed to only a month due to a permanent therapist being hired after they signed me. The only info I knew about fallon was what my parents told me about their stay here for Jarrett’s baseball tournament about ten years ago. Mom said that the water is a bit brown….nice. It is a very small town with a small town feel. Made the drive here in about six hours with three stops along the way, two for gas and one for coffee and restroom. Drove to the realtor’s office to sign the lease and receive the keys. Then unloaded my car into the cigarette smelling empty apartment in the snow flurries. At least the apartment is nice and clean. So here I am lying on the floor, which will be my bed, and writing on this Word document as there is no internet access at this time. I can’t believe that there isn’t any 3G service here. I can’t even connect to the internet through my iphone! I have no TV or internet…. I feel like I’ve been cut off from the world. I mean my phone can only make calls and texts! Haha. Hopefully this experience will center myself. I know I will already grow from this experience because I have no money, no outside distractions, and know absolutely no one here in this town.

Began talking to mom today again. All is forgotten and forgiven at this moment. Jarrett’s shoulder surgery was postponed. I sent some elmo brownie pops over to the kiddos and they liked it. Makes me miss them even more. I really do miss them. I don’t know though if it’s the best decision to move home yet. Am I just running away from my problems by moving here and not wanting to go back? When cyn and I had a heart to heart talk the other night, she expressed that I needed to deal with my issues with my mom and also with myself. I thought that by moving away that it would make things better, but it just made things easier to ignore and put off. She said that it only made it easier to cope, which I find entirely true. I really don’t know if I should continue to live in vegas and work at PRN jobs and try to live there permanently or even if it would work. I don’t want to end up desperate again looking for jobs. At least Pahrump was getting busier this past week. But how long the caseload will remain busy is the question. And the drive to Pahrump is pretty long, but I like the staff there. Pahrump is a lot like Fallon, but Pahrump may be a bit more modernized. I thought that living in a small town would be better, but now I think I may change my mind and enjoy a more happening and populated area. Living in Hawaii, I felt like my life wasn’t really going anywhere, I was complacent and stagnant. Yes, I’ve had hardships and stressful times living here on the mainland, but I feel like I’m living and alive. I miss my family and the island life with friends, true. But I have been able to experience so many things here. It really is a different type of life from back home where everybody knows everybody and life can seem redundant. Eat at the same restaurants and do the same activities. But that can be comforting at times, knowing the places and faces you see. The unknown up here brings a lot of nervousness, but also excitement. I am also thinking about going for a permanent position in California. I enjoyed living in modesto and being able to travel out to the bay area. The weather can be a bit chilly, but you have big cities near by. Modesto so far has been perfect because you have a mall and all types of stores near and yet the population is not that congested. Plus, the living expenses are pretty reasonable. I don’t know if I would enjoy living in southern California due to the expenses and heavy population. Maybe in a smaller city. I liked visiting san diego, their weather and lifestyle is pretty fun. One of my favorite things is to go to concerts and that is what I love as one of the best perks of being in the mainland. Another thought on my mind was to seriously look into the Peace Corps. It was something that I always thought about here and there. Now that I have my bachelor’s degree and a degree in physical therapy, it might be an unforgettable experience, but the program duration is about two to three years long. That’s quite a commitment to make and I have some bills to pay off.

I hope that I can allow life to takes its course and I can be patient and optimistic enough to just go with the flow with a smile on my face. I’m always worrying about the future and what I want to accomplish by a certain time, that I think I don’t enjoy the little things and am scared to venture out of my comfort zone. I fear a lot of things. I fear being alone and not finding someone to journey with through life. I fear that I won’t be there for my family when they need me. I fear that I will lose touch with my friends. I fear that I won’t be able to be successful. I fear that I will always care what others think. I fear that I will never solve or confront my deep-rooted issues. I fear that I will have regrets in life. I fear that my fear of the unknown and change will guide my life into complacency. I fear that I will never be truly happy with myself because I’m afraid of disappointments. I fear that I might lose faith in God. I fear that I will give up on life and live defeated. I fear that I will become numb to feelings. I fear that I won’t let myself be happy or find happiness for the fear of losing it. I fear that I will aim low and lose the drive to be better. I fear that I will embarrass my family and they will be ashamed of me. I fear that I will die before I am ready to go. I fear that I will waste my life being afraid. I fear that I will hurt others and hold onto that burden. I fear that I will allow others to control my life decisions and want to be what they expect… not being myself in fear that they will disapprove.

G’night. First night in fallon….peace out. 

rant!!

why do you always make me feel like shit?! why does it seem that you can instantly sour my mood by the words you say, yet you have absolutely no idea how i feel?? i don't understand how mocking or kicking somebody when they're down makes you feel nothing. you don't even know how hurt i am, and maybe, YES, i am sensitive. you taught me that being sensitive is weak so i don't voice my hurt or displeasure with your words or actions. you look down on those who are sensitive and so i suck it up, time and time again, but i am tired of always ignoring and hiding my feelings so you won't mock me. i try to be "strong" because nothing is worse than feeling ashamed of my feelings, which i feel when i am around you. why can't i have a mom like my friend's? their moms would do anything for them, do things without asking, and even though they want what's best for them they still support them. you tell me what i should do, and when i don't you disapprove of it. and if i don't agree or follow what you want, then you negatively criticize it. you seem sympathetic and ask questions, but its seems as if it's not because you care, but just out of curiosity... so you know what's going on. i can't believe that i still find myself so angry and worked up about things between us and you have no idea!! sometimes when we talk you are sweet and thoughtful and i start to think that you are maturing and really do care about me. i know you care about me, but don't show me the same way you would show others. you want everything to go the way you want, you want our relationship to be what you want. i tell you that i am struggling financially and was so happy and shocked that you offered to help. not that i would accept it, but because you offered. i don't know why i beg for your approval, acceptance, attention, and affection. truth be told, you would be the last person i would ask. why? because i don't ever want to owe you something or have you holding something over my head. you used money to control me and put pressure on my decisions because i had loaned money from you. who does that to their kids? and then after you ask a couple times if i need money and then you say, well i want you to learn a lesson so i won't bail you out. well screw you! why did i feel so supported? i knew this would happen. if my friend needed money i know her parents would gladly be happy to support her if she was unemployed for  a bit. i signed a contract and have a job lined up next week. i get paid well in a couple of weeks. i may not be the best with money, but you live and you learn. it's not like I'm a drug addict. its not like i go out to spend money on alcohol. if my brother needed money you wouldn't even think twice before lending it to him. that is what hurts the most. i try hard to not compare our relationship to others because everyone's journey and relationship is different, but i hate feeling like shit. i was having a good day today. finally went back to work for a few days until i leave for my travel job and things are on the upswing. yes, i am nervous because i will be scraping by the next couple of weeks but i am i that emotional and sensitive that our conversion just made me sit on the floor in the dark kitchen just wondering if our conversation really did happen. it's hard when cyn's mom is always sending her money and food from hawaii not because she needs it, but because she wants to make sure she's okay. are all my friends spoiled and i'm the only one that has this type of relationship with my mom? i wish i didn't need her. i wish it didn't hurt when she mocks me. i wish i could care less when she doesn't put as much effort as i do into wanting to make the other person happy. and the sad thing is that it's like a routine and habit. if she needs something, i have no problem stopping by the store to pick it up. or sending her something in the mail. yet, i would never ask to have her pick up something for me... it would be weird and unnatural. i think she would say to "get it myself." when i asked her today to send me my mail so i can do my taxes she said can she just take a picture of it instead, don't i only need the information on it?" really. seriously. you can't even just say "sure, i'll send you the two envelopes you need to do taxes." i don't know what to do. i just needed to vent... but if nothing changes then what does it matter. i only usually talk to el, marissa, scott, and cyn about it. maybe i should talk to a therapist about it. i hate confrontation and maybe that is what's leading to my inner turmoil. i just keep on taking it and not saying how hurt or angry i am by your comments. i continue to obey what you tell me i should do. and i do it because when i don't follow what you want i get lectured and scolded. i guess part of it is my fault because i continue to do what i've been doing and expecting a change.