rant!!

why do you always make me feel like shit?! why does it seem that you can instantly sour my mood by the words you say, yet you have absolutely no idea how i feel?? i don't understand how mocking or kicking somebody when they're down makes you feel nothing. you don't even know how hurt i am, and maybe, YES, i am sensitive. you taught me that being sensitive is weak so i don't voice my hurt or displeasure with your words or actions. you look down on those who are sensitive and so i suck it up, time and time again, but i am tired of always ignoring and hiding my feelings so you won't mock me. i try to be "strong" because nothing is worse than feeling ashamed of my feelings, which i feel when i am around you. why can't i have a mom like my friend's? their moms would do anything for them, do things without asking, and even though they want what's best for them they still support them. you tell me what i should do, and when i don't you disapprove of it. and if i don't agree or follow what you want, then you negatively criticize it. you seem sympathetic and ask questions, but its seems as if it's not because you care, but just out of curiosity... so you know what's going on. i can't believe that i still find myself so angry and worked up about things between us and you have no idea!! sometimes when we talk you are sweet and thoughtful and i start to think that you are maturing and really do care about me. i know you care about me, but don't show me the same way you would show others. you want everything to go the way you want, you want our relationship to be what you want. i tell you that i am struggling financially and was so happy and shocked that you offered to help. not that i would accept it, but because you offered. i don't know why i beg for your approval, acceptance, attention, and affection. truth be told, you would be the last person i would ask. why? because i don't ever want to owe you something or have you holding something over my head. you used money to control me and put pressure on my decisions because i had loaned money from you. who does that to their kids? and then after you ask a couple times if i need money and then you say, well i want you to learn a lesson so i won't bail you out. well screw you! why did i feel so supported? i knew this would happen. if my friend needed money i know her parents would gladly be happy to support her if she was unemployed for  a bit. i signed a contract and have a job lined up next week. i get paid well in a couple of weeks. i may not be the best with money, but you live and you learn. it's not like I'm a drug addict. its not like i go out to spend money on alcohol. if my brother needed money you wouldn't even think twice before lending it to him. that is what hurts the most. i try hard to not compare our relationship to others because everyone's journey and relationship is different, but i hate feeling like shit. i was having a good day today. finally went back to work for a few days until i leave for my travel job and things are on the upswing. yes, i am nervous because i will be scraping by the next couple of weeks but i am i that emotional and sensitive that our conversion just made me sit on the floor in the dark kitchen just wondering if our conversation really did happen. it's hard when cyn's mom is always sending her money and food from hawaii not because she needs it, but because she wants to make sure she's okay. are all my friends spoiled and i'm the only one that has this type of relationship with my mom? i wish i didn't need her. i wish it didn't hurt when she mocks me. i wish i could care less when she doesn't put as much effort as i do into wanting to make the other person happy. and the sad thing is that it's like a routine and habit. if she needs something, i have no problem stopping by the store to pick it up. or sending her something in the mail. yet, i would never ask to have her pick up something for me... it would be weird and unnatural. i think she would say to "get it myself." when i asked her today to send me my mail so i can do my taxes she said can she just take a picture of it instead, don't i only need the information on it?" really. seriously. you can't even just say "sure, i'll send you the two envelopes you need to do taxes." i don't know what to do. i just needed to vent... but if nothing changes then what does it matter. i only usually talk to el, marissa, scott, and cyn about it. maybe i should talk to a therapist about it. i hate confrontation and maybe that is what's leading to my inner turmoil. i just keep on taking it and not saying how hurt or angry i am by your comments. i continue to obey what you tell me i should do. and i do it because when i don't follow what you want i get lectured and scolded. i guess part of it is my fault because i continue to do what i've been doing and expecting a change.