hey,
well there has been a lot going on lately. first off, i interviewed, was offered, and accepted a job offer to work a 16-week assignment in fallon, nevada (all was done) today. i begin work in 10 days so there was a lot of quick researching, phone calls, and filling out of paperwork. i also found out that el's grandpa passed away yesterday when he was found unresponsive. they were just here a couple of months ago in vegas. she seems to be taking it okay along with her mom. thirdly, jarrett appears to be undergoing surgery for his left shoulder next week. he will be getting a SLAP tear procedure and will be out for the season. he will redshirt and be eligible for the next two years. his pic has been used on the emails and websites for UH to promote the start of the baseball season. a lot has happened in the last couple of days...
so let's break this all down more. today is thursday. yesterday i sent out my resume to the public that i was in need of a job. lo and behold, today i have a job in nevada after searching for work for three months. i received like five or six phone calls early this morning from various travel companies. i had to tell my two recruiters that i found work. and my temp job manager too. talked to dad yesterday, he called to check up to see how i was doing. told him that i am trying to find a job to no avail but hopefully something promising will arise. i was having bad insomnia on tuesday night because i didn't have any leads to any possible jobs. monday was a bad day because i found out through email that the hospital wasn't interested in me because of my lack of acute care experience. then, the possible santa monica job was on hold. then, the temp agency was coming along pretty slowly. so tuesday i decided that i was going to give up on finding a contract position in cali and look for a permanent position in cali since there are no travel or perm jobs in vegas. even though fallon is about a 7 hour drive north of vegas at least I'm still in nevada. i begin feb 11 and finish at the end of may. our apartment lease is up at the end of may as well. so after i finished filling out and scanning a bunch of paperwork, i needed to go and look for a place to live. i found the only realty company (century 21)'s website and called them up. i filled out and faxed over the application and will mail the $40 app fee tomorrow. i decided to rent out a 2 bed/1bath unfurnished apartment for $750. it has a refrigerator, microwave, and stove. also has central a/c and heat. other than that it's unfurnished. will prob purchase an air bed and live very minimally. i looked up that they have a starbucks, cvs, walmart, and safeway. that is the essential i guess. the facility looks really new and big. I'm nervous, excited, anxious, blessed, grateful, and looking forward to the next journey. it's a bit surreal to me because i've looked for so long to no avail. and then when i give up the search and decide to open up my horizons and options, all of a sudden this position opens up. it's like everything just perfectly fell into place. God makes our lives so interesting i tell ya. i told marissa that i prayed my heart out. i do feel like a learned a lesson and more about myself when i was unemployed. more than just about how to budget and about finances, but how i need to stay positive about life even when it doesn't go the way i want or plan. somedays i really felt like a failure in life and just hated life because of the situation i was in. i was very over this month, mainly because i told myself that i WILL have a job by the end it and be working. here i was at jan 29th without it. today made it exactly 3 months of not working full-time. and the last day of january i finally secured a job.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
day after the monster ball
hello.
last night cyn and i went to the lady gaga concert at the mom and it was awesome! we sat pretty high up, but were still able to see the production and boy did she sing. gaga sang live, of course, and danced up a storm. i truly have more respect for her after seeing her show. she sounded just like her tracks and even played the piano and keyboard. her costumes were out of this world crazy and she came out on a horse, motorcycle, moving objects, and got raunchy on stage. she swore a lot, but never was negative. she spoke a lot about being true to who you are, not giving a f*ck about what others think, acceptance of others' differences, and how we are all the same. she does so much for her fans and is really thankful for their dedication and support. she said only 5 years ago she was waiting tables among other random jobs until she could make it big in the music industry. she spoke about how she worked so hard to be the best at singing, playing the piano, and dancing. overall, 5 out of 5 stars for her monster ball concert. oh, and cyn even bought me a rainbow gaga flag to put up in our apartment!
on our way home we were noticing how the strip looked a bit foggy and cloudy. as we made our way back to our apartment it got much more foggier and foggier. we could barely see ten feet in front of our car. the fog was really thick. a first for us here in vegas.
was feeling a bit down the last few days. cyn's family is in town until tonight and she's been out all day the past few days to spend time with them. i miss my family. and its really hard to wonder about the immediate future when i haven't had a job for three months now. at least i talk to my mom every few days. they had a picnic at ala moana beach park yesterday with the khans and the sato girls showed up too. there is such a cute pic of kaila and matty in the water. i miss them so. oh, and the food at the picnic looked so ono. miss that a lot too.
called the HR rep at desert springs hospital on friday, but she didn't call back. met up with supplemental health and signed a per diem contract. supposed to go get my fingerprint scan done, but she hasn't emailed me the info yet on where to go. i am feeling so lost, depressed, desperate, and lonely. just really down about where i am in my life. regretful of past actions. a dark place in my mind. here's to hoping that things turn around...
last night cyn and i went to the lady gaga concert at the mom and it was awesome! we sat pretty high up, but were still able to see the production and boy did she sing. gaga sang live, of course, and danced up a storm. i truly have more respect for her after seeing her show. she sounded just like her tracks and even played the piano and keyboard. her costumes were out of this world crazy and she came out on a horse, motorcycle, moving objects, and got raunchy on stage. she swore a lot, but never was negative. she spoke a lot about being true to who you are, not giving a f*ck about what others think, acceptance of others' differences, and how we are all the same. she does so much for her fans and is really thankful for their dedication and support. she said only 5 years ago she was waiting tables among other random jobs until she could make it big in the music industry. she spoke about how she worked so hard to be the best at singing, playing the piano, and dancing. overall, 5 out of 5 stars for her monster ball concert. oh, and cyn even bought me a rainbow gaga flag to put up in our apartment!
on our way home we were noticing how the strip looked a bit foggy and cloudy. as we made our way back to our apartment it got much more foggier and foggier. we could barely see ten feet in front of our car. the fog was really thick. a first for us here in vegas.
was feeling a bit down the last few days. cyn's family is in town until tonight and she's been out all day the past few days to spend time with them. i miss my family. and its really hard to wonder about the immediate future when i haven't had a job for three months now. at least i talk to my mom every few days. they had a picnic at ala moana beach park yesterday with the khans and the sato girls showed up too. there is such a cute pic of kaila and matty in the water. i miss them so. oh, and the food at the picnic looked so ono. miss that a lot too.
called the HR rep at desert springs hospital on friday, but she didn't call back. met up with supplemental health and signed a per diem contract. supposed to go get my fingerprint scan done, but she hasn't emailed me the info yet on where to go. i am feeling so lost, depressed, desperate, and lonely. just really down about where i am in my life. regretful of past actions. a dark place in my mind. here's to hoping that things turn around...
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
when the tough gets going...
well, here we are again on this roller coaster of emotions. feeling a bit isolated and anxious, but still holding onto what faith i can keep my grip on. had a pre-employment urine drug screen today which i am totally thankful for that i was able to pee enough! quite nervous about not being able to pee enough when needed. supplemental health care met with me last week friday and i have been filling out their paperwork and many forms to begin work with them. on tuesday i went to desert springs hospital for an assessment computer test and passed! so i am waiting for a call back for an interview with them for a full-time position. did not get the fresno contract travel position so i am hoping these local opportunities will be fruitful. barely making it by day to day with the depleting bank account funds. cyn's family arrived today from home and she's having dinner with them. she worked longer hours last week and earlier this week to get the rest of the week off of her externship to spend with her family. makes me miss mine. can't really tell them that because they'll just say to come home already. being trying to eat better and work out as a routine to get healthy and fit. it's still the first month of the year, sooo i hope to still be practicing a healthy lifestyle throughout the year.
have never felt so unsure of the future or scared of what it holds. not being hopeful is scary and quite depressing. wishing something bad would happen so my life's focus wouldn't be on my failures and mistakes is a pretty low point. i'm young and want to so desperately be independent and look like i have it all together; to act like i am in control of my life and where i exactly WANT to be...but it's my 10 year high school reunion this year and i'm ashamed. i am ashamed of many things and proud of some. Proud that i graduated from college. Proud that i moved away from home. Ashamed that it took me 5 years for an AS degree and 8 years for a BA degree. Ashamed that i am single and yeah, gay. Ashamed that i do not have the funding to own a house or property. Scared that my career won't have longevity in this economy and generation. Do i want to work as a PTA my whole life? NO. But would I? Yes. Do i hope this career lasts my whole life? Yes.
I found this user on Instagram from searching for #brokedamouth foods since i was really missing the food from back home. Saw all types of delicious hawaiian foods that makes me want to catch the next flight out of here just to dine and eat sushi, poke, and all types of local dishes. Anyways, I clicked on a pic of her eating shaved ice and went to her profile. She turns out to be gay and a few years younger than me and lives on the north shore. she is into so many hobbies and activities it seems like she really enjoys life. she goes to the beach to swim, tan, or skim board. she likes to rock climb in and outdoors. she goes out to the movies and occasionally a bar. goes out to eat with friends. sightsees around the island frequently. loves to skateboard or longboard. and then works a full-time job with often having to take overtime shifts. i had this disdain for home being someplace that gets boring having to see the same people, the same sights, and do the same things over and over. and here i am in vegas, mostly sitting at home watching tv. i could be painting, writing songs, writing a story, and pretty much a multitude of things. I'm starting to realize that this is MY life and I need to stop thinking about it from the outside. Looking at my life like it's a story I'm watching, but to really choose how it plays out. It has to do with fear and being uncomfortable and lazy. But hopefully as i understand what my faults are, i can begin to correct and overcome them. it's me, myself, and i AND the three of us need to get to know one another and get on the same page.
peace.
have never felt so unsure of the future or scared of what it holds. not being hopeful is scary and quite depressing. wishing something bad would happen so my life's focus wouldn't be on my failures and mistakes is a pretty low point. i'm young and want to so desperately be independent and look like i have it all together; to act like i am in control of my life and where i exactly WANT to be...but it's my 10 year high school reunion this year and i'm ashamed. i am ashamed of many things and proud of some. Proud that i graduated from college. Proud that i moved away from home. Ashamed that it took me 5 years for an AS degree and 8 years for a BA degree. Ashamed that i am single and yeah, gay. Ashamed that i do not have the funding to own a house or property. Scared that my career won't have longevity in this economy and generation. Do i want to work as a PTA my whole life? NO. But would I? Yes. Do i hope this career lasts my whole life? Yes.
I found this user on Instagram from searching for #brokedamouth foods since i was really missing the food from back home. Saw all types of delicious hawaiian foods that makes me want to catch the next flight out of here just to dine and eat sushi, poke, and all types of local dishes. Anyways, I clicked on a pic of her eating shaved ice and went to her profile. She turns out to be gay and a few years younger than me and lives on the north shore. she is into so many hobbies and activities it seems like she really enjoys life. she goes to the beach to swim, tan, or skim board. she likes to rock climb in and outdoors. she goes out to the movies and occasionally a bar. goes out to eat with friends. sightsees around the island frequently. loves to skateboard or longboard. and then works a full-time job with often having to take overtime shifts. i had this disdain for home being someplace that gets boring having to see the same people, the same sights, and do the same things over and over. and here i am in vegas, mostly sitting at home watching tv. i could be painting, writing songs, writing a story, and pretty much a multitude of things. I'm starting to realize that this is MY life and I need to stop thinking about it from the outside. Looking at my life like it's a story I'm watching, but to really choose how it plays out. It has to do with fear and being uncomfortable and lazy. But hopefully as i understand what my faults are, i can begin to correct and overcome them. it's me, myself, and i AND the three of us need to get to know one another and get on the same page.
peace.
Friday, January 11, 2013
broke as a joke!
howdy there... i have been trying to keep positive and to combat the insomnia, i have been getting up early and not taking any naps so i will be tired at the end of the night. i decided to put myself back on the Cali market for traveling as I NEED A JOB! tonight the temp is going to dip into the 20's and will be cold for the next few days. starting to feel very stressed and the desperation level is rising as i look at my bank account and the amount of bills that need to be paid. just hope that i can find a job in Cali and afford to put down enough for rent. prob need to find an unfurnished place as it will be cheaper. i really hope i can find something SOON.
i have so many dreams and visions about the future and what i would like to accomplish this lifetime. the book i am reading, "the happiness project" talks about how the journey is so much more enjoyable than the actual destination. it's the part of growing and being in the process that we feel engaged and alive with something to look forward to, but we trick ourselves thinking that we will be happier in the future when all is accomplished. and yet it is a better feeling when imagined than in reality.
why does money have to be such a central and magnified part of our lives? why does everyone's life have to revolve something that has no feelings, no literal worth, but just an applied attribute that we accept??? we slave away our lives for this, we let it decide our fate. something to ponder...
peace.
i have so many dreams and visions about the future and what i would like to accomplish this lifetime. the book i am reading, "the happiness project" talks about how the journey is so much more enjoyable than the actual destination. it's the part of growing and being in the process that we feel engaged and alive with something to look forward to, but we trick ourselves thinking that we will be happier in the future when all is accomplished. and yet it is a better feeling when imagined than in reality.
why does money have to be such a central and magnified part of our lives? why does everyone's life have to revolve something that has no feelings, no literal worth, but just an applied attribute that we accept??? we slave away our lives for this, we let it decide our fate. something to ponder...
peace.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
happy 21st bro!
today is jarrett's 21st birthday! took time out to think about how fast he grew up from being born to celebrating his early twenties already. It's funny the things I remember as a child being his older sister. I have so much faith and belief in that he can achieve so much as an athlete. I feel like he truly is gifted, but just needs that extra push or desire to be the best he can be. I know he's competitive and has confidence in his abilities and that has carried him far. Mom and dad are having his family party at Maple Garden tomorrow night for just the immediate family. The baby is growing up...
still feeling up and down with life. i have been getting more active and trying to be healthier in my food choices so i'm hoping that will boost my spirits mentally and physically. really glad to have my roommate back here so i can have somebody to talk to and hang out with. trying to 'fake it til i make it' with a high energy positive approach to finding a job. i keep thinking that one day when i look back at where i am in life now, i will be more appreciative of all i earn and have. i won't take anything for granted monetarily. i will also be more frugal and just smart with my money. i guess it is better to learn that lesson now then down the road when i have more on the line. can't wait for it though!
sweet dreams y'all.
still feeling up and down with life. i have been getting more active and trying to be healthier in my food choices so i'm hoping that will boost my spirits mentally and physically. really glad to have my roommate back here so i can have somebody to talk to and hang out with. trying to 'fake it til i make it' with a high energy positive approach to finding a job. i keep thinking that one day when i look back at where i am in life now, i will be more appreciative of all i earn and have. i won't take anything for granted monetarily. i will also be more frugal and just smart with my money. i guess it is better to learn that lesson now then down the road when i have more on the line. can't wait for it though!
sweet dreams y'all.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
new beginnings
welcome all to the new year! this has been an interesting time and I have been having mixed emotions about where I am in life. Here I am at 27 years of age and stuck. I have been through a lot in the past year and am fortunate for so many reasons, yet I still feel desperate and uncertain of it all. Let's see...
I graduated from college with a bachelor's degree which definitely was an accomplishment that was a long time coming and done with hard work. Promised myself that I would follow through for my grandma, as education was her main focus to become successful in life. I moved to Las Vegas and Modesto and found work as a traveling therapist. Celebrated Easter and my birthday away from family. Flew on Southwest flights from Las Vegas to San Jose and Sacramento to watch Jarrett play baseball. Had the opportunity to fly to Boston and vacation in Cape Cod for part of the summer with my mom and bro. Experienced a lot in California, all up and down the coast. And then home for Thanksgiving to spend time with family, especially the nephew and niece (Matty and Kaila). But, here I am on the first day of the New Year without a steady job and a dwindling to non-existent bank account. Too proud to pack it up and go back home and yet too lazy or scared to go out there and make something of any job opportunities. Spent Christmas here in Vegas and for-goed all the New Year's traditions I usually participate in. Ahhhh, I'm just feeling like life is passing me by. And i am too afraid and scared to grab my life and be happy. I so need to shake it up and just stop worrying enough to enjoy it all. I find myself being so critical in being at this age and not having someone special to share everything with. I am proud that i can be single and independent, but i miss having a partner. I wish i could also be out and proud. And NOT care so much about what other people think of me. I'm hoping this journal will be a great outlet for me to express the conflicting feelings that rage inside my mind. I so wish that my old diary/journal was still here so i could read back the highs and lows of my past. I feel again at a low, just like back in 2007 when i was lost as where my life was headed. 5 or 6 years later and it looks like nothing much as changed.
I just want to scream and shout and let it be heard that i am frustrated about everything. i want to be able to say i lived every moment in life as if it were my last, that i tried to not take anything for granted. truth is, sometimes i wish i wasn't alive so i wouldn't have to endure life's hardships and difficult moments. but they say that its during these times that we really grow and learn. i just know that i don't want to ever feel this shitty and frustrated about being stuck in life. since my roommate is back home, i do feel like writing it out is the only way for my thoughts to be heard. i hope one day i can look back on this entry and smile knowing that i kept my faith and persevered through it. I pray that my life and my outlook on life looks up for the better and that i keep my mind positive, but yet in reality.
i would like to continue to grow this year in being open to more things outside of my comfort zone, trust in myself and hold strong to my faith that God will be there to guide my life in the right direction, find more peace and happy moments, create joyous memories, give back with gratefulness. to focus more on what is really important in life. to take initiative and follow through more.
i lost about 35 to 40 pounds in 2010 and became healthier. moved out and went to UH full-time in 2011. moved to the mainland in 2012. let's see what 2013 has in store for me...
I graduated from college with a bachelor's degree which definitely was an accomplishment that was a long time coming and done with hard work. Promised myself that I would follow through for my grandma, as education was her main focus to become successful in life. I moved to Las Vegas and Modesto and found work as a traveling therapist. Celebrated Easter and my birthday away from family. Flew on Southwest flights from Las Vegas to San Jose and Sacramento to watch Jarrett play baseball. Had the opportunity to fly to Boston and vacation in Cape Cod for part of the summer with my mom and bro. Experienced a lot in California, all up and down the coast. And then home for Thanksgiving to spend time with family, especially the nephew and niece (Matty and Kaila). But, here I am on the first day of the New Year without a steady job and a dwindling to non-existent bank account. Too proud to pack it up and go back home and yet too lazy or scared to go out there and make something of any job opportunities. Spent Christmas here in Vegas and for-goed all the New Year's traditions I usually participate in. Ahhhh, I'm just feeling like life is passing me by. And i am too afraid and scared to grab my life and be happy. I so need to shake it up and just stop worrying enough to enjoy it all. I find myself being so critical in being at this age and not having someone special to share everything with. I am proud that i can be single and independent, but i miss having a partner. I wish i could also be out and proud. And NOT care so much about what other people think of me. I'm hoping this journal will be a great outlet for me to express the conflicting feelings that rage inside my mind. I so wish that my old diary/journal was still here so i could read back the highs and lows of my past. I feel again at a low, just like back in 2007 when i was lost as where my life was headed. 5 or 6 years later and it looks like nothing much as changed.
I just want to scream and shout and let it be heard that i am frustrated about everything. i want to be able to say i lived every moment in life as if it were my last, that i tried to not take anything for granted. truth is, sometimes i wish i wasn't alive so i wouldn't have to endure life's hardships and difficult moments. but they say that its during these times that we really grow and learn. i just know that i don't want to ever feel this shitty and frustrated about being stuck in life. since my roommate is back home, i do feel like writing it out is the only way for my thoughts to be heard. i hope one day i can look back on this entry and smile knowing that i kept my faith and persevered through it. I pray that my life and my outlook on life looks up for the better and that i keep my mind positive, but yet in reality.
i would like to continue to grow this year in being open to more things outside of my comfort zone, trust in myself and hold strong to my faith that God will be there to guide my life in the right direction, find more peace and happy moments, create joyous memories, give back with gratefulness. to focus more on what is really important in life. to take initiative and follow through more.
i lost about 35 to 40 pounds in 2010 and became healthier. moved out and went to UH full-time in 2011. moved to the mainland in 2012. let's see what 2013 has in store for me...
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