new beginnings

welcome all to the new year! this has been an interesting time and I have been having mixed emotions about where I am in life. Here I am at 27 years of age and stuck. I have been through a lot in the past year and am fortunate for so many reasons, yet I still feel desperate and uncertain of it all. Let's see...
I graduated from college with a bachelor's degree which definitely was an accomplishment that was a long time coming and done with hard work. Promised myself that I would follow through for my grandma, as education was her main focus to become successful in life. I moved to Las Vegas and Modesto and found work as a traveling therapist. Celebrated Easter and my birthday away from family. Flew on Southwest flights from Las Vegas to San Jose and Sacramento to watch Jarrett play baseball. Had the opportunity to fly to Boston and vacation in Cape Cod for part of the summer with my mom and bro. Experienced a lot in California, all up and down the coast. And then home for Thanksgiving to spend time with family, especially the nephew and niece (Matty and Kaila). But, here I am on the first day of the New Year without a steady job and a dwindling to non-existent bank account. Too proud to pack it up and go back home and yet too lazy or scared to go out there and make something of any job opportunities. Spent Christmas here in Vegas and for-goed all the New Year's traditions I usually participate in. Ahhhh, I'm just feeling like life is passing me by. And i am too afraid and scared to grab my life and be happy. I so need to shake it up and just stop worrying enough to enjoy it all. I find myself being so critical in being at this age and not having someone special to share everything with. I am proud that i can be single and independent, but i miss having a partner. I wish i could also be out and proud. And NOT care so much about what other people think of me. I'm hoping this journal will be a great outlet for me to express the conflicting feelings that rage inside my mind. I so wish that my old diary/journal was still here so i could read back the highs and lows of my past. I feel again at a low, just like back in 2007 when i was lost as where my life was headed. 5 or 6 years later and it looks like nothing much as changed.

I just want to scream and shout and let it be heard that i am frustrated about everything. i want to be able to say i lived every moment in life as if it were my last, that i tried to not take anything for granted. truth is, sometimes i wish i wasn't alive so i wouldn't have to endure life's hardships and difficult moments. but they say that its during these times that we really grow and learn. i just know that i don't want to ever feel this shitty and frustrated about being stuck in life. since my roommate is back home, i do feel like writing it out is the only way for my thoughts to be heard. i hope one day i can look back on this entry and smile knowing that i kept my faith and persevered through it. I pray that my life and my outlook on life looks up for the better and that i keep my mind positive, but yet in reality.

i would like to continue to grow this year in being open to more things outside of my comfort zone, trust in myself and hold strong to my faith that God will be there to guide my life in the right direction, find more peace and happy moments, create joyous memories, give back with gratefulness. to focus more on what is really important in life. to take initiative and follow through more.

i lost about 35 to 40 pounds in 2010 and became healthier. moved out and went to UH full-time in 2011. moved to the mainland in 2012. let's see what 2013 has in store for me...