well, here we are again on this roller coaster of emotions. feeling a bit isolated and anxious, but still holding onto what faith i can keep my grip on. had a pre-employment urine drug screen today which i am totally thankful for that i was able to pee enough! quite nervous about not being able to pee enough when needed. supplemental health care met with me last week friday and i have been filling out their paperwork and many forms to begin work with them. on tuesday i went to desert springs hospital for an assessment computer test and passed! so i am waiting for a call back for an interview with them for a full-time position. did not get the fresno contract travel position so i am hoping these local opportunities will be fruitful. barely making it by day to day with the depleting bank account funds. cyn's family arrived today from home and she's having dinner with them. she worked longer hours last week and earlier this week to get the rest of the week off of her externship to spend with her family. makes me miss mine. can't really tell them that because they'll just say to come home already. being trying to eat better and work out as a routine to get healthy and fit. it's still the first month of the year, sooo i hope to still be practicing a healthy lifestyle throughout the year.
have never felt so unsure of the future or scared of what it holds. not being hopeful is scary and quite depressing. wishing something bad would happen so my life's focus wouldn't be on my failures and mistakes is a pretty low point. i'm young and want to so desperately be independent and look like i have it all together; to act like i am in control of my life and where i exactly WANT to be...but it's my 10 year high school reunion this year and i'm ashamed. i am ashamed of many things and proud of some. Proud that i graduated from college. Proud that i moved away from home. Ashamed that it took me 5 years for an AS degree and 8 years for a BA degree. Ashamed that i am single and yeah, gay. Ashamed that i do not have the funding to own a house or property. Scared that my career won't have longevity in this economy and generation. Do i want to work as a PTA my whole life? NO. But would I? Yes. Do i hope this career lasts my whole life? Yes.
I found this user on Instagram from searching for #brokedamouth foods since i was really missing the food from back home. Saw all types of delicious hawaiian foods that makes me want to catch the next flight out of here just to dine and eat sushi, poke, and all types of local dishes. Anyways, I clicked on a pic of her eating shaved ice and went to her profile. She turns out to be gay and a few years younger than me and lives on the north shore. she is into so many hobbies and activities it seems like she really enjoys life. she goes to the beach to swim, tan, or skim board. she likes to rock climb in and outdoors. she goes out to the movies and occasionally a bar. goes out to eat with friends. sightsees around the island frequently. loves to skateboard or longboard. and then works a full-time job with often having to take overtime shifts. i had this disdain for home being someplace that gets boring having to see the same people, the same sights, and do the same things over and over. and here i am in vegas, mostly sitting at home watching tv. i could be painting, writing songs, writing a story, and pretty much a multitude of things. I'm starting to realize that this is MY life and I need to stop thinking about it from the outside. Looking at my life like it's a story I'm watching, but to really choose how it plays out. It has to do with fear and being uncomfortable and lazy. But hopefully as i understand what my faults are, i can begin to correct and overcome them. it's me, myself, and i AND the three of us need to get to know one another and get on the same page.
peace.
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