fallon nights

2/8/13

Fallon Nights

It’s Friday night and here I am alone in Fallon. Woke up at 3:40 this morning and headed out from vegas under the dark skies. Encountered snow and very chilly winds, but gladly made it here safe. Will be here for 30 days and will try to make the best of it all. Feeling a bit philosophical and doing a lot of thinking. Found out on Tuesday that my 4 month assignment here in fallon changed to only a month due to a permanent therapist being hired after they signed me. The only info I knew about fallon was what my parents told me about their stay here for Jarrett’s baseball tournament about ten years ago. Mom said that the water is a bit brown….nice. It is a very small town with a small town feel. Made the drive here in about six hours with three stops along the way, two for gas and one for coffee and restroom. Drove to the realtor’s office to sign the lease and receive the keys. Then unloaded my car into the cigarette smelling empty apartment in the snow flurries. At least the apartment is nice and clean. So here I am lying on the floor, which will be my bed, and writing on this Word document as there is no internet access at this time. I can’t believe that there isn’t any 3G service here. I can’t even connect to the internet through my iphone! I have no TV or internet…. I feel like I’ve been cut off from the world. I mean my phone can only make calls and texts! Haha. Hopefully this experience will center myself. I know I will already grow from this experience because I have no money, no outside distractions, and know absolutely no one here in this town.

Began talking to mom today again. All is forgotten and forgiven at this moment. Jarrett’s shoulder surgery was postponed. I sent some elmo brownie pops over to the kiddos and they liked it. Makes me miss them even more. I really do miss them. I don’t know though if it’s the best decision to move home yet. Am I just running away from my problems by moving here and not wanting to go back? When cyn and I had a heart to heart talk the other night, she expressed that I needed to deal with my issues with my mom and also with myself. I thought that by moving away that it would make things better, but it just made things easier to ignore and put off. She said that it only made it easier to cope, which I find entirely true. I really don’t know if I should continue to live in vegas and work at PRN jobs and try to live there permanently or even if it would work. I don’t want to end up desperate again looking for jobs. At least Pahrump was getting busier this past week. But how long the caseload will remain busy is the question. And the drive to Pahrump is pretty long, but I like the staff there. Pahrump is a lot like Fallon, but Pahrump may be a bit more modernized. I thought that living in a small town would be better, but now I think I may change my mind and enjoy a more happening and populated area. Living in Hawaii, I felt like my life wasn’t really going anywhere, I was complacent and stagnant. Yes, I’ve had hardships and stressful times living here on the mainland, but I feel like I’m living and alive. I miss my family and the island life with friends, true. But I have been able to experience so many things here. It really is a different type of life from back home where everybody knows everybody and life can seem redundant. Eat at the same restaurants and do the same activities. But that can be comforting at times, knowing the places and faces you see. The unknown up here brings a lot of nervousness, but also excitement. I am also thinking about going for a permanent position in California. I enjoyed living in modesto and being able to travel out to the bay area. The weather can be a bit chilly, but you have big cities near by. Modesto so far has been perfect because you have a mall and all types of stores near and yet the population is not that congested. Plus, the living expenses are pretty reasonable. I don’t know if I would enjoy living in southern California due to the expenses and heavy population. Maybe in a smaller city. I liked visiting san diego, their weather and lifestyle is pretty fun. One of my favorite things is to go to concerts and that is what I love as one of the best perks of being in the mainland. Another thought on my mind was to seriously look into the Peace Corps. It was something that I always thought about here and there. Now that I have my bachelor’s degree and a degree in physical therapy, it might be an unforgettable experience, but the program duration is about two to three years long. That’s quite a commitment to make and I have some bills to pay off.

I hope that I can allow life to takes its course and I can be patient and optimistic enough to just go with the flow with a smile on my face. I’m always worrying about the future and what I want to accomplish by a certain time, that I think I don’t enjoy the little things and am scared to venture out of my comfort zone. I fear a lot of things. I fear being alone and not finding someone to journey with through life. I fear that I won’t be there for my family when they need me. I fear that I will lose touch with my friends. I fear that I won’t be able to be successful. I fear that I will always care what others think. I fear that I will never solve or confront my deep-rooted issues. I fear that I will have regrets in life. I fear that my fear of the unknown and change will guide my life into complacency. I fear that I will never be truly happy with myself because I’m afraid of disappointments. I fear that I might lose faith in God. I fear that I will give up on life and live defeated. I fear that I will become numb to feelings. I fear that I won’t let myself be happy or find happiness for the fear of losing it. I fear that I will aim low and lose the drive to be better. I fear that I will embarrass my family and they will be ashamed of me. I fear that I will die before I am ready to go. I fear that I will waste my life being afraid. I fear that I will hurt others and hold onto that burden. I fear that I will allow others to control my life decisions and want to be what they expect… not being myself in fear that they will disapprove.

G’night. First night in fallon….peace out.