end of may

5.28.13

may day has come and gone. it's tuesday, may 28th. less than 4 weeks left on my contract here in Chico/Paradise. hoping to extend another 13-weeks. been a little down lately. not sure why. feels like such an uphill battle to be who i want to be and accomplish it all. need to start living for the now and enjoy the process. want to be healthier in all ways. lose weight, exercise more, be adventurous, not be lonely, read more, create more, write more, complete my "things to do",  save money, pay off bills, plan  vacations...ahhhhh! i need to find my motivation. i don't feel centered. i feel like something is missing. i don't feel connected to my soul. i feel like i'm losing faith, not in myself so much but in my journey. I don't know what i really want or where or why. My family wants me to return home to live. i still feel somewhat trapped if i were to go back. i wish i could go to travel in Oregon. or San Diego. I enjoy the inexpensive lifestyle here in Nor Cal. maybe even near Sacramento.

Danielle just turned 16 yesterday. where did time fly? Kaila's 6th bday is coming up. I miss having friends around and especially family. I like my co-workers yet, i'm still a hermit at heart. spend most of my weekends and weeknights at home just lounging with the tv or computer. i find myself always just making the "good enough" grade and not really passionately putting my heart and soul into anything. i wanna be free and be fearless. i want to feel like this is the best day of my life. i want to laugh so hard and feel so loved that i know i made a positive impact in someone's life. I've heard that in the past, it was believed that the 20's were the peak and best times of one's life. but lately, i heard 20s are about discovering who you are and 30's are about feeling comfortable in your own skin and being empowered by it. i find that true. here i am in my late twenties, no where near i though i would be if you had asked me 5 or 10 years ago. i thought i would be settled with a family and much more sure about who i am. not so insecure and uncertain about myself. i just keep on falling back into bad habits and a cycle of this crap because i guess the ROOT of the cause is not being addressed. i feel much better and that a weight and burden has been lifted off my shoulders when i confronted my mom about being gay and being accepted. i still have much more issues to address, but that is one of my main burdens. i still have personal issues. i still have qualms about re-connecting with my biological mom, not to start and build a close relationship but to have questions answered and to hear her side of the story. only time will tell, eh?